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To my most esteemed adversary,

Firstly, I hope this missive finds you mens sana in corpore sano. I myself have a bit of gout, but do not trouble yourself about me. I have plenty of subordinates to see to my health, though they are outrageously under qualified and easily distracted. But, no need to go into what I suffer.

You are no doubt fully informed of the interwining history of my people and yours. If you are not, your educational standards are not what they were and you should be mindful of the old phrase, ipsa scientia potestas est, for I hold vast knowledge and with it has come power. You will, I hope recall the Treaty of Barnaculas the Great which ordained that the Ursus Maritimus - you - would control land, and the Odobenus Rosmarus - I - would control the sea. My kind have proudly held up out end of the treaty.

It has come to my attention, through less than auspicious means, that one of your agents provocateurs dallied in our territory. His flagrant disregard for the treaty (clause A, section 37, line 104), stating that the territorial waters shall not be infiltrated without due cause and warning, has led to a precarious situation. De pilo pendet! Our peoples have maintained a delicate peace for generations.

I am willing to concede that, perhaps, this faux pas can be swept under the proverbial rug. I would expect a small compensation on your part, to smooth wrinkled skin. A small amendment of the treaty would suffice. If you are not willing to bend, then I am afraid your agent will suffer the consequences. Culpae poenae par esto!

Yours most sincerely,

Walrus

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