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This transcript involves dialogue with Rolo the Stout, Foppish Pierre, Pompous Merchant, Kepple, and Nails Newton.

Hired to stealEdit

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

Before accepting the questEdit

  • Player: Hello!
  • Nails Newton: Hey, you looking for work?
  • Player: What sort of work?
  • Nails Newton: Just a little job I need doing. See, there's a merchant upstairs I need something lifting from. I'd do it myself, but I'm more into the 'legitimate' document business these days.
  • Player: You want me to rob him? That doesn't sound very heroic!
  • Nails Newton: Keep your voice down! Look, he's not a very nice bloke, right? He's Rolo the Stout, and he's currently buying up all the food in the area on the cheap and selling it to the refugees at a huge mark-up.
  • Player: Well, that isn't very nice...but two wrongs don't make a right.
  • Nails Newton: Just listen will ya? All I need is his seal. I've a forged letter right here that says he's releasing all the food to the refugees for free. If I can get his personal seal, then I can get his associates to open the stockpiles to the people of the town. You in, or not?
    • (Quest noticeboard opens)
      • Accept Quest
        • Player: You know what, that sounds like a good plan. What do you want me to do first?
        • Nails Newton: Well, Rolo isn't called 'the stout' because he likes to drink the stuff. He's a real pig. Every day he orders some fancy pie from the cook here, usually something that'll cost a lot to make. So, what we'll do is make a pie that'll put him out of commission for some time.
        • Player: You mean poison him?
        • Nails Newton: Not POISON poison. Just something that'll put him in the infirmary for a while.
        • Player: Well I suppose that's not so bad...but why? Can't I get the seal off him now?
        • Nails Newton: Nah, he has it in a chest up there by his table in case he needs to stamp any documents. If he's rushed off to hork his guts out I don't think his first priority will be taking it with him.
        • Player: I suppose not.
        • Nails Newton: Exactly. So what I need you to do first is take care of the most complex item in the recipe: the pie crust. What we're going to do is mix in a load of fishing bait into the flour.
        • Player: Urk...
        • Nails Newton: Do you know about the watermill to the south? What ya need to do is take some wheat and fishing bait there. You can get wheat from a field to the south of here, just over the bridge. There are a couple of troll bodies on the way to the field that have been left for a while. They have a lot of maggo...err, 'fishing bait' around them. Upstairs there is a hopper. Put the wheat in the hopper, then put the fishing bait on top. Once you have done that, use the lever nearby to put it all in the mill, then it'll all get mashed up. Then go back downstairs and use a pot to gather up the flour and bring it to me.
          • If you do not have an Empty pot:
            • Nails Newton: If you don't have a pot on ya, why not go see Mess Sergeant Ramsey in the tavern there? He's probably got one you can have for free in that shop of his. Or you can just make them, for free, if you can get some play.
              • (Continues below)
          • If you already have an Empty pot:
            • (Continues below)
        • Player: Ok, it sounds a little messy, but I'll do it.
          • So tell me a little about yourself.
            • Nails Newton: Well what do you wanna know?
            • Player: I just want to know a little more about the man I'm working for, that's all.
            • Nails Newton: Huh... Well, I suppose that's fair enough. My name's 'Nails' Newton. I'm a Burthorpe man, born and bred. I've been working various scams and schemes since I was little. These days, I provide accurate copies of official documents to people. In case they can't get the version for some silly reason. A good steady hand is invaluable, you see.
            • Player: So, basically, you're a criminal...
            • Nails Newton: You could say that...but look at it this way. I never beat up anyone that wasn't asking for it, stole anything from someone that couldn't afford it, or scammed anyone that wasn't trying to scam me. I mean, I did some work back in the day, making sure people got some money that was owed them from people who wouldn't give it any other way. That's what gets me about these merchants. They're gouging us for every coin we've got because they can profit off our misery. I may be a little shady, but at least I have standards.
            • Player: Can they really be all that bad?
            • Nails Newton: Look, go and talk to them and you'll find out. Rolo is just a tip of a flabby iceberg. Just have a word with his friend Kepple, or any of the merchants wandering around. Then you'll see what we're up against.
              • (Shows previous options)
          • What do you need me to do again?
            • Nails Newton: Do you know about the watermill to the south? What ya need to do is take some wheat and fishing bait there. You can get wheat from a field to the south of here, just over the bridge. There are a couple of troll bodies on the way to the field that have been left for a while. They have a lot of maggo...err, 'fishing bait' around them. Upstairs there is a hopper. Put the wheat in the hopper, then put the fishing bait on top. Once you have done that, use the lever nearby to put it all in the mill, then it'll all get mashed up. Then go back downstairs and use a pot to gather up the flour and bring it to me.
              • If you do not have an Empty pot:
                • Nails Newton: If you don't have a pot on ya, why not go see Mess Sergeant Ramsey in the tavern there? He's probably got one you can have for free in that shop of his. Or you can just make them, for free, if you can get some play.
                  • (Shows previous options)
              • If you already have an Empty pot:
                • (Shows previous options)
          • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
            • Nails Newton: You know what? That's not a problem. I mean think about it. We WANT the pie to be undercooked and a health-hazard. So just bung it in the oven until the top goes a little bit crispy and you're fine.
            • Player: You know what, that does make a lot of sense.
              • (Shows previous options)
          • I'd best get on with it then.
            • Nails Newton: Ok, see you about.
      • Not Right Now
        • Player: Sorry, but no.
        • Nails Newton: Well that was pretty blunt. I'll be waiting here if you change your mind. I tell you what, why not go upstairs and speak to Rolo if you think I'm a little harsh, eh?

After accepting the questEdit

  • Nails Newton: What's up?
  • Player: I was wondering what you needed me to do.
  • Nails Newton: Do you know about the watermill to the south? What ya need to do is take some wheat and fishing bait there. You can get wheat from a field to the south of here, just over the bridge. There are a couple of troll bodies on the way to the field that have been left for a while. They have a lot of maggo...err, 'fishing bait' around them. Upstairs there is a hopper. Put the wheat in the hopper, then put the fishing bait on top. Once you have done that, use the lever nearby to put it all in the mill, then it'll all get mashed up. Then go back downstairs and use a pot to gather up the flour and bring it to me.
  • Player: That's fine. I just need to check something with you.
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • (Same as above)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Foppish PierreEdit

  • Player: Hello!
  • Foppish Pierre: Oh, are you addressing...me?
  • Player: Well, yes?
  • Foppish Pierre: Oh dear...This will never do.
  • Player: What are you talking about?
  • Foppish Pierre: I was right. This will never do. I mean...look at yourself. How, by any stretch of the imagination, am I supposed to...converse...with one such as yourself?
  • Player: Well, you could flap your mouth about while making words into a sentence.
  • Foppish Pierre: Oh...you are so lower class. I've become used to dealing with better people than you since I became fabulously wealthy. Thank goodness I have my pomander of expensive spices, your odour was beginning to make me feel light-headed.
  • Player: Hey!
  • Foppish Pierre: I'm sorry, I can't hear it when poor people are upset. Toodle-pip.

Talking to KeppleEdit

  • Player: Hello there.
  • Kepple: Hello? Hello? What kind of low-class greeting is this? No matter. Clearly we move in very different social circles.
    • Kepple will select an insult at random:
      • Dialogue 1:
        • Kepple: Salutations, peasant.
        • Player: What did you just call me?
        • Kepple: I called you a peasant. Why, what of it?
          • (Continues below)
      • Dialogue 2:
        • Kepple: Salutations, peon.
        • Player: What did you just call me?
        • Kepple: I called you a peon. Why, what of it?
          • (Continues below)
      • Dialogue 3:
        • Kepple: Salutations, serf.
        • Player: What did you just call me?
        • Kepple: I called you a serf. Why, what of it?
          • (Continues below)
    • After Kepple insults you:
      • Who are you to go around insulting people like that?
        • Kepple: I'm Winston Kepple, purveyor of pretty much everything! I came here with my friends and colleagues from Falador to take advantage of this captive market that we have right here. And let me tell you, business has never been better.
        • Player: What do you mean?
        • Kepple: I mean that with the trolls attacking I've been able to peddle all kinds of goods to these rubes with an astonishing mark-up! Food, clothing, cake tins, fishing supplies... You name it, I make am making a profit on it.
        • Player: But a lot of these people have no homes or money! What about the war effort?
        • Kepple: Pfft. What about it? If the trolls wipe this place out the White Knights and some scruffy tramps with swords calling themselves heroes will take care of it. And then the survivors will need even more supplies to reclaim the land!
        • Player: You're all heart, aren't you?
        • Kepple: Oh pipe down. I didn't expect a commoner like you to understand the ways of high finance.
          • What are you doing here?
            • Kepple: Turning a healthy profit! The folk here are too poor to set up elsewhere, or too thick-headed to give up. My friends and I can sell them a one-coin shirt for fifteen, and they can't exactly shop around! So long as this war keeps going, we're going to be raking it in!
            • Player: But that's profiting on their misery!
            • Kepple: Well, you might say that, but there's a lot of history between here and my home.
            • Player: Wait, what?
            • Kepple: You see, Falador and Burthorpe have always had this rivalry going, due to them not liking the White Knights or something equally childish. So, we're loving this. You may well think were[sic] scum here, but back home in Falador - well, they are not quite so eager to judge us.
            • Player: I get the feeling they don't know all the facts. I'm sure the White Knights would not be happy with you starving refugees to turn a profit.
            • Kepple: Well what they don't know won't hurt them, will it? I'll bet you're one of those 'hero' types, aren't you? A bleeding heart and a burning desire to help everyone. It's numbskulls like you, giving your gear away or dropping it for people to find, that are ruining my business!
              • Who are you to go around insulting people like that?
                • (Same as above)
              • That's a very fancy outfit.
                • (Same as below)
              • I think I'm done here.
                • (Same as below)
          • That's a very fancy outfit.
            • (Same as below)
          • I think I'm done here.
            • (Same as below)
      • That's a very fancy outfit.
        • Kepple: I'm glad you like it. It is, theoretically, very expensive.
        • Player: Theoretically?
        • Kepple: Well, I had it made from the finest materials, purchased from businesses that I was a partner in, so I got a good discount. Then I had the finest seamstresses in Falador put out of work, and paid them a pittance to make it for me before I would let them seek employment elsewhere. So in the end I have a very wonderful set of clothes with little or no cost to myself.
        • Player: ...
        • Kepple: Yes, it is quite jaw-droppingly good, isn't it?
          • Who are you to go around insulting people like that?
            • (Same as above)
          • What are you doing here?
            • (Same as above)
          • I think I'm done here.
            • (Same as below)
      • I think I'm done here.
        • Kepple: Very well, it was...nice talking to you.

Talking to any Pompous MerchantEdit

  • Pompous Merchant: Step aside, you low-born oaf!
  • Player: Hey! Who are you calling names?
  • Pompous Merchant: I have no idea. Some 'hero' I would guess.
  • Player: Look you...
  • Pompous Merchant: Hush, I have far too much money to listen to the idle prattle of menials. Begone!

Talking to Rolo the StoutEdit

  • Player: Hello!
  • Rolo the Stout: Do you have my pie?
  • Player: No, I don't have your pie.
  • Rolo the Stout: This is intolerable! I already have plenty to drink, so why would they send a serving [lad/lass] up to see me without my food!
  • Player: I don't work here, and even if I did, I'm not a serving [lad/lass].
  • Rolo the Stout: Such impertinence! Inform the head of this establishment that I want you to be dismissed immediately!
  • Player: But...I don't work here.
  • Rolo the Stout: What's that? You won't do it? Egad, do you not know who you are dealing with, whelp? I'll tan your hide!
  • Player: Hilarious as it would be to see you try, I still don't work here.
  • Rolo the Stout: By the gods, you're a fiery one! Never have I been so insulted by a lowly servant...
  • Player: Repeat after me...
  • Rolo the Stout: What?
  • Player: I...don't...work...here.
  • Rolo the Stout: I...Don't...[sic] Dash it all, you scoundrel! Why didn't you tell me you didn't work here?
  • Player: I did...several times.
  • Rolo the Stout: Fetch the head of this establishment! I will have your job for embarrassing me!
  • Player: It's like watching a highly obese dog chasing its pudgy tail.

Opening the ChestEdit

  • Player: I don't want to get caught by Rolo stealing his stuff. I'd better wait for a better opportunity.

Making Maggoty flourEdit

Searching the Dead trollEdit

Before retrieving Fishing baitEdit

  • You gather some fishing bait from the dead troll.

After retrieving Fishing baitEdit

  • You already have enough fishing bait in your inventory to make maggoty flour. You don't need any more.

Using Wheat on the HopperEdit

With Fishing bait in your inventoryEdit

  • You put the wheat in the hopper.
  • You put the fishing bait in the hopper.
  • You put the fishing bait in the hopper.
  • Player: Well, I'd best pull that lever and mush this stuff before anyone notices.

Using Fishing bait on the HopperEdit

Before adding Wheat and Fishing baitEdit

  • You should add some wheat to the hopper first.

After adding Wheat and Fishing baitEdit

  • There are enough maggots in there for now.

Operating the Hopper controls with Flour and Fishing bait in the HopperEdit

While the Flour bin is emptyEdit

  • You operate the hopper. The wheat slides down the chute.
  • Player: I hope nobody down there has worked out what I am up to. I should get down there and grab the flour with an empty pot before it crawls away.

While the Flour bin is fullEdit

  • You don't want this mess contaminating the flour downstairs. Empty the bin, then pull the lever.

Taking flour from the Flour binEdit

  • You fill a pot with the disgusting mix of shredded maggots and flour.

Receiving the Maggoty pie crustEdit

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

Before giving Nails Newton the Maggoty flourEdit

  • Nails Newton: What's up?
  • Player: I have the flour you wanted here.
  • Nails Newton: That's perfect.
  • Player: I can see why you asked me to do this first, that was a lot of work!
  • Nails Newton: Don't worry, I'll take care of making this into a pie shell for you in a moment. We also need to fill the pie with something pretty nasty. What we need first is a raw crayfish. I want you to go and get one and bury it in a field. Just shove it right into the dirt and then let it...[sic] ripen for a bit.
  • Player: Gah...
  • Nails Newton: Just use either the flax field, wheat field or the animal pen for the job. The flax field is closest. It's in the north west of here, near the Master Farmer's shop and the well. And don't forget: when you are done you should come and see me to show me your work. But first, let me take care of that flour for ya!
  • Using a bowl of water and a pie dish. Nails crafts a rather disgusting pie shell for you.
  • Player: Urgh...This is not going to be pretty...
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: Well, we need to fill this pie with something pretty nasty. What we need first is a raw crayfish. I want you to go and get one and bury it in a field. Just shove it right into the dirt and then let it...[sic] ripen for a bit.
      • Player: Gah...
      • Nails Newton: Just use either the flax field, wheat field or the animal pen for the job. The flax field is closest. It's in the north west of here, near the Master Farmer's shop and the well. And don't forget: when you are done you should come and see me to show me your work.
      • Player: Urgh...I need to check something before I go.
        • (Shows previous options)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

After receiving the Maggoty pie crustEdit

  • Nails Newton: How are the fish biting?
    • If you do not have the Maggoty pie crust:
      • Player: I lost the maggoty pie crust...
      • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the maggoty pie crust and gave it to me.
      • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust or retrieve it from Nails Newton:
      • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: Well, we need to fill this pie with something pretty nasty. What we need first is a raw crayfish. I want you to go and get one and bury it in a field. Just shove it right into the dirt and then let it...[sic] ripen for a bit.
  • Player: Gah...
  • Nails Newton: Just use either the flax field, wheat field or the animal pen for the job. The flax field is closest. It's in the north west of here, near the Master Farmer's shop and the well. And don't forget: when you are done you should come and see me to show me your work.
  • Player: Urgh...
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • (Same as above)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Producing the Manky crayfishEdit

Walking into a field with a Raw crayfish in your inventoryEdit

  • You bury a Raw crayfish in the ground. Screen fades out.
  • Some time passes...
  • Screen fades in. You reach into the ground and retrieve a Manky crayfish.
  • You dig up the crayfish a while later, and find it disgustingly moist with decay.

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After retrieving a Manky crayfishEdit

  • Nails Newton: How are the fish biting?
  • Player: Well they aren't biting too well. Look at this little feller!
  • You wave the manky crayfish at Nails, who recoils.
  • Nails Newton: Oh, Saradomin... That thing stinks! Just looking at it makes me want to vomit! Perfect! Only one thing left! To give the pie a little more body, we'll add a potato. I want you to go and get a raw potato and shove it down a kebbit hole.
    • If you do not have a Raw potato:
      • Nails Newton: If you don't have a potato then Head Farmer Jones might well have one you can use.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you already have a Raw potato:
      • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: Kebbit burrows are full of hair and droppings and all other kinds of nasty waste. So if you just shove it in there and pull it out it'll be ok. Well, I say 'ok'...
  • Player: Oh...that's foul... I'll get right to it, once I stop tasting bile.
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: To give the pie a little more body, we'll add a potato. I want you to go and get a raw potato and shove it down a kebbit hole.
        • If you do not have a Raw potato:
          • Nails Newton: If you don't have a potato then Head Farmer Jones might well have one you can use.
            • (Continues below)
        • If you already have a Raw potato:
          • (Continues below)
      • Nails Newton: Kebbit burrows are full of hair and droppings and all other kinds of nasty waste. So if you just shove it in there and pull it out it'll be ok. Well, I say 'ok'...
      • Player: I don't think I'll ever feel clean again...
        • (Shows previous options)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Before providing a Stinking potatoEdit

  • Nails Newton: How's that pie coming along? To give the pie a little more body, we'll add a potato. I want you to go and get a raw potato and shove it down a kebbit hole.
    • If you do not have a Raw potato:
      • Nails Newton: If you don't have a potato then Head Farmer Jones might well have one you can use.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you already have a Raw potato:
      • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: Kebbit burrows are full of hair and droppings and all other kinds of nasty waste. So if you just shove it in there and pull it out it'll be ok. Well, I say 'ok'...
  • Player: I don't think I'll ever feel clean again...
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • (Same as above)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Producing the Stinking PotatoEdit

Inspecting a HoleEdit

Without a Stinking potatoEdit

  • You reach into the Hole and place the Potato inside; then retrieve the Potato.
  • With great reluctance you push the poor, innocent potato in the hole, and pull the filthy and stinking result back out.
  • Player: I don't think my hands will ever feel clean again... Wait, this is the last item I need, I suppose I could try making the pie myself and cook it. Or I could go see Nails for more information maybe...

With a Stinking potatoEdit

  • You don't need any more stinking potatoes right now.

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After retrieving the Stinking potatoEdit

  • Nails Newton: How's that pie coming along?
    • If you do not have the Maggoty pie crust:
      • Player: I lost the maggoty pie crust...
      • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the maggoty pie crust and gave it to me.
      • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you do not have a Manky crayfish:
      • Player: I lost the manky crayfish...
      • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the manky crayfish and gave it to me.
      • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust and the Manky crayfish:
      • (Continues below)
  • Player: I shoved the potato down a kebbit hole. Here it is.
  • Nails: I don't want to see it! I'm retching just thinking about it!
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust in your bank:
      • Nails Newton: Ok, since you don't have everything here, what you need to do is go and get it all together. Then, fill the pie crust with the crayfish and potato, and cook the pie on a range.
      • Player: How did you know I don't have everything on me?
      • Nails Newton: Because my nose hairs aren't bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust in your inventory:
      • Nails Newton: Now you have everything, you should stick the crayfish and potato inside the shell and take it to the range to cook.
      • Player: How did you know I had everything?
      • Nails Newton: Because my nose hairs are bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
        • (Continues below)
    • After receiving instructions on how to assemble the pie:
      • So tell me a little about yourself.
        • (Same as above)
      • What do you need me to do again?
        • If you have the Maggoty pie crust in your bank:
          • Nails Newton: Ok, since you don't have everything here, what you need to do is go and get it all together. Then, fill the pie crust with the crayfish and potato, and cook the pie on a range.
          • Player: How did you know I don't have everything on me?
          • Nails Newton: Because my nose hairs aren't bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
            • (Shows previous options)
        • If you have the Maggoty pie crust in your inventory:
          • Nails Newton: Now you have everything, you should stick the crayfish and potato inside the shell and take it to the range to cook.
          • Player: How did you know I had everything?
          • Nails Newton: Because my nose hairs are bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
            • (Shows previous options)
      • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
        • (Same as above)
      • I'd best get on with it then.
        • (Same as above)

Baking the Terrible pieEdit

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

Before assembling the Terrible pie (uncooked)Edit

  • Nails Newton: How's that pie coming along?
    • If you do not have the Maggoty pie crust:
      • Player: I lost the maggoty pie crust...
      • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the maggoty pie crust and gave it to me.
      • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you do not have a Manky crayfish:
      • Player: I lost the manky crayfish...
      • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the manky crayfish and gave it to me.
      • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust and the Manky crayfish:
      • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust in your bank:
      • Nails Newton: Ok, since you don't have everything here, what you need to do is go and get it all together. Then, fill the pie crust with the crayfish and potato, and cook the pie on a range.
      • Player: How did you know I don't have everything on me?
      • Nails Newton: Because my nose hairs aren't bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Maggoty pie crust in your inventory:
      • Nails Newton: Now you have everything, you should stick the crayfish and potato inside the shell and take it to the range to cook.
      • Player: How did you know I had everything?
      • Nails Newton: Because my nose hairs are bleaching. It's subtle clues like that which give it away.
        • (Continues below)
    • After receiving instructions on how to assemble the Terrible pie:
      • So tell me a little about yourself.
        • (Same as above)
      • What do you need me to do again?
        • (Same as above)
      • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
        • (Same as above)
      • I'd best get on with it then.
        • (Same as above)

After assembling the Terrible pie (uncooked)Edit

  • Nails Newton: How's that pie coming along?
    • If you do not have the Terrible pie (uncooked):
      • Player: I lost the terrible pie...
      • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the terrible pie and gave it to me.
      • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
        • (Continues below)
    • If you have the Terrible pie (uncooked):
      • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: Well this is pretty simple. All you really need to do is use the uncooked pie on a range to cook it.
  • Player: Is that it?
  • Nails Newton: Yea. Then bring it to me so I can have a look, ok?
  • Player: That sounds like a plan. One thing before I go.
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: Well this is pretty simple. All you really need to do is use the uncooked pie on a range to cook it.
      • Player: Is that it?
      • Nails Newton: Yea. Then bring it to me so I can have a look, ok?
      • Player: That sounds like a plan.
        • (Shows previous options)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Using the Manky crayfish and/or the Stinking potato on the Maggoty pie crustEdit

  • You use the crayfish into the pie crust and force the top on.

Using the Terrible pie (uncooked) on a rangeEdit

  • You place the pie in the oven and then retrieve it.
  • You recover the terrible pie from the oven. The stench of it is nauseating.

Using the Terrible pie on a rangeEdit

  • While you don't need this pie to be perfect for your scheme, there is no point in burning it by putting it back in the oven.

Talking to Rolo the StoutEdit

  • Player: Hello!
  • Rolo the Stout: Do you have my pie?
  • Player: Here, I have your pie for you.
  • Rolo the Stout: Is this some sort of a joke? This...entity is not the pie I ordered! It is some sort of horrible behemoth of inedibility, and I refuse to bear its presence any more! Get it away from me, you ragamuffin, before I give you a thrashing!
  • Player: This may not work. I should check with Nails to see what he thinks.

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After baking the Terrible pieEdit

  • If you do not have the Terrible pie:
    • Player: I lost the terrible pie...
    • Nails Newton: Oh, that's no problem. One of the other thieves in the tavern found the terrible pie and gave it to me.
    • Nails roots around in his pack and hands you the lost item.
      • (Continues below)
  • If you have the Terrible pie:
    • (Continues below)
  • Player: Hey Nails, check this pie out!
  • Nails Newton: Guh...that thing stinks!
  • Player: Tell me about it. My backpack is never going to be clean again.
  • Nails Newton: He'll never eat that unless we do something to mask the smell. I have an idea though.
  • Player: What is it?
  • Nails Newton: One of Rolo's fellow merchants, Foppish Pierre[sic] has been hanging around the mill. He carries a supply of spices on him all the time. If you can pickpocket those then we'll be in business. So, just go and grab those spices from Pierre and add them to the pie. Then you can take it up to Rolo and see if he swallows it.

Before stealing the Expensive spicesEdit

  • Nails Newton: That was quick. How did it go?
  • Player: I haven't gone yet. I just need to ask what do you need me to do again.[sic]
  • Nails Newton: I need you to go and grab something to cover up that pie's stench. There's a guy called Foppish Pierre that hangs out near the watermill to the south of here. He's carrying some pretty fancy spices on his person. Just go and nick them off him, dump them on the pie, and take it off to Rolo to eat. Any questions?
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: I need you to go and grab something to cover up that pie's stench. There's a guy called Foppish Pierre that hangs out near the watermill to the south of here. He's carrying some pretty fancy spices on his person. Just go and nick them off him, dump them on the pie, and take it off to Rolo to eat. Any more questions?
        • So tell me a little about yourself.
          • (Same as above)
        • What do you need me to do again?
          • (Same as above)
        • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
          • (Same as above)
        • I'd best get on with it then.
          • (Same as above)
    • What happens if I'm not skilled enough to cook pies?
      • (Same as above)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Retrieving the Expensive spicesEdit

Pickpocketing Foppish PierreEdit

  • You manage to lift the container of spices from Pierre's pocket.

Talking to Foppish PierreEdit

  • Foppish Pierre: You there! Oik! I need your assistance!
  • Player: If you are trying to get me to help you, you might be a little more courteous.
  • Foppish Pierre: Oh all right. How is it the gutter-trash address each other? Ayup. 'Appen as like I done lost myself a pretty penny. 'As thou seen t' salt-shaker?
  • Player: Is that how you think poor people talk?
  • Foppish Pierre: When they are not just grunting and waving their arms, yes. Look, have you seen a little salt shaker full of spices around here?
  • Player: I can't say I have.
  • Foppish Pierre: I'm ruined! Ruined!

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After stealing the Expensive spicesEdit

  • Player: I stole the spices. What should I do now?
  • Nails Newton: Well, dump a good serving of them onto the pie to mask the flavour and ungodly stench. Then go and serve it to Rolo.
  • Player: Thanks! I'll get right on that.
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Player: I stole the spices. What should I do now?
      • Nails Newton: Well, dump a good serving of them onto the pie to mask the flavour and ungodly stench. Then go and serve it to Rolo.
      • Player: Thanks! I'll get right on that.
      • Nails Newton: Any more questions?
        • So tell me a little about yourself.
          • (Same as above)
        • What do you need me to do again?
          • (Same as above)
        • Why is Pierre carrying spices on himself?
          • (Same as below)
        • I'd best get on with it then.
          • (Same as above)
    • Why is Pierre carrying spices on himself?
      • Nails Newton: You don't know how valuable this stuff is?
      • Player: It's just stuff you dump on your food, how valuable can it be?
      • Nails Newton: Spices are big business, my friend! Depending on the spice, it can be worth fifty, even sixty times its weight in gold! Workers that handle the stuff can't even wear roll-ups on their trousers in case they sneak some out in them. A cuff-full can be worth more than a year's wages. You know why he carries it around? So he can take it out and wave it about like others would wear magical jewels.
        • (Shows previous options)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Using the Expensive spices on the Terrible pieEdit

  • With a few dashes of spice, the pie seems a lot more appealing.

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After creating a Mouth-watering pieEdit

  • If you do not have the Mouth-watering pie:
    • Player: You wouldn't happen to have seen that spiced pie, would you?
    • Nails Newton: You mean this one?
    • Nails hands you the same spiced pie you lost earlier.
    • Player: How...where did you find this?
    • Nails Newton: I...don't...know?
  • If you have the Mouth-watering pie:
    • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: How are things going?
  • Player:Quite well. I just need to ask some questions.
  • Nails Newton: Is this about what to do next? Because all you need to do is go up and give the pie to Rolo.
  • Player: No, it is about something else.
  • Nails Newton: Go for it. What's up?
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: Well, if you've got the spiced pie, you need to go and take it to Rolo.
      • Player: What then?
      • Nails Newton: Stand well back!
        • (Shows previous options)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Serving the Mouth-watering pieEdit

Talking to Rolo the StoutEdit

  • Player: Pie for Rolo the Stout!
  • Rolo the Stout: That's me!
  • Screen fades out and then fades in. Rolo the Stout is seated at the table; you are standing next to him.
  • Player: Here is your pie, sir. I hope you...enjoy it.
  • You place the pie on the table before Rolo the Stout.
  • Rolo the Stout: What is this? This is not the scrumptious redberry and distressed quail pie I demanded.
  • Player: That's right. The chef made you the pie, and decided it wasn't delicious enough for someone with tastes as refined as yours.
  • Rolo the Stout: Well that's not my problem. Maybe he didn't torment the quails for as long as I specified... But whatever this is, it does smell delicious...
  • Player: Well it contains a lot of VERY expensive spices.
  • Rolo the Stout: Oh really? Then I suppose I might try a portion. What's it called?
    • Squishy Crust Belly Filler
      • Player: Uh,...we call it a squishy crust belly filler.
      • Rolo the Stout: A squishy crust belly filler? I can't say I've ever heard of a squishy crust belly filler before.
        • (Continues below)
    • Crayfish a la Manque
      • Player: Uh...we call it a crayfish a la manque.
      • Rolo the Stout: A crayfish a la manque? I can't say I've ever heard of a crayfish a la manque before.
        • (Continues below)
    • Pomme de Kebbit Pie
      • Player: Uh,...we call it a pomme de kebbit pie.
      • Player: A pomme de kebbit pie? I can't say I've ever heard of a pomme de kebbit pie before.
        • (Continues below)
  • Player: Well it is an entirely new recipe, that was invented especially for you.
  • Rolo the Stout: To make up for not being able to make the pie I ordered?
  • Player: Yeah, sure. Why not?
  • Rolo the Stout: Well that's quite nice of you. Tell the chef I will only sue him slightly for not making what I ordered. And that if this pie tastes nice, then I might even pay him for it!
  • Player: Of course. And before I go....might I just say, thanks.
  • Rolo the Stout: Thanks? What for?
  • Player: You've just put my mind to rest about something I was feeling a tad guilty about. Never mind.
  • Rolo the Stout: Yes, yes, that's all very well and good. Now be on your way, you jabbering vassal. I have a pie to eat.
  • You walk out of the room. Rolo the Stout remains seated at the table.
    • If you named the Mouth-watering pie a Squishy Crust Belly Filler:
      • Rolo the Stout: A squishy crust belly filler eh? Let's see what it tastes like...
        • (Continues below)
    • If you named the Mouth-watering pie a Crayfish a la Manque:
      • Rolo the Stout: A crayfish a la manque eh? Let's see what it tastes like...
        • (Continues below)
    • If you named the Mouth-watering pie a Pomme de Kebbit Pie:
      • Rolo the Stout: A pomme de kebbit pie eh? Let's see what it tastes like...
        • (Continues below)
  • Player: Five...four...three...two...
  • Rolo the Stout: Blooooogh!
  • WARNING: The sound effects only get worse from here.
    • I have nerves of steel, I want to hear every detail!
      • You hear the sounds of Rolo the Stout vomiting.
      • Player: Hahahahahaha! Sounds like...
      • Rolo the Stout: Hurgleblurgleurgleurgle!
      • Player: Uh. Sounds like the pie...
      • Rolo the Stout: Bluuuuuuuuugh!
      • Player: ...
      • Rolo the Stout: Gasp...[sic]
      • Player: Ok then. Sounds like the pie has...
      • Rolo the Stout: Oh gods! There's more! Urgleflubbbleubbleubbleubble...
      • Player: I SAID...Sounds like the pie has done the trick. I should check back with Nails and let him know, while they cart Rolo away and clean up.
      • Screen fades out and then fades in. You are standing before Nails Newton.
    • I think I've had enough, thanks.
      • Player: Hahahahahaha! Sounds like...
      • Rolo the Stout: Hurgleblurgleurgleurgle!
      • Player: Uh. Sounds like the pie...
      • Rolo the Stout: Bluuuuuuuuugh!
      • Player: ...
      • Rolo the Stout: Gasp...gasp...[sic]
      • Player: Ok then. Sounds like the pie has...
      • Rolo the Stout: Oh gods! There's more! Urgleflubbbleubbleubbleubble...
      • Player: I SAID...Sounds like the pie has done the trick. I should check back with Nails and let him know, while they cart Rolo away and clean up.
      • Screen fades out and then fades in. You are standing before Nails Newton.

Obtaining the SealEdit

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After giving Rolo the Stout the Mouth-watering pieEdit

  • Nails Newton: Well, Rolo certainly won't be causing any more trouble for a while.
  • Player: Yes. He's certainly not going to be on anything but infirmary food for a while either. I can only hope they manage to get the stains out of the ceiling...
  • Nails Newton: Don't! Don't even talk about that. I'm still queasy from seeing what he did to the stairs as they called him out. They had to sluice them down with buckets and mops...terrible. But at least the stains are all gone now.
  • Player: So what do I need to do now?
  • Nails Newton: Well, with Rolo out the way you can go and steal the seal from his chest. We'd best move fast, in case he decides to send for it when he comes round. Is there anything else you need to know?
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: Go upstairs and get Rolo's seal for me.
      • Player: Do I have to go up there? The stench is horrible!
      • Nails Newton: I know. The owner has called for an old priest and a young priest. When the pair get here they hope that an exorcism will get rid of it.
      • Player: Maybe if I hold my breath...
        • (Shows previous options)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Upon climbing up the Spiral StairsEdit

  • Player: Urgh...that smell!

Opening the Chest for the first timeEdit

  • You pick the lock on the chest and take the seal from the chest.

Searching the ChestEdit

If you do not have the SealEdit

  • You take the seal from the chest.

If you have the SealEdit

  • The chest is empty.

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

After taking the SealEdit

  • Player: I have the seal for you!
  • Nails Newton: Great, let's get this letter stamped, and...
  • Nails hands you a letter with a seal, with an emblem that you instantly recongnise.
  • Nails Newton: Done! Now just take it to Pierre and we're home free Don't forget to come back and see me when you are done, ok?
  • Player: Right, will do!

Before delivering the Forged letterEdit

  • Nails Newton: Well, what's the matter? I need you to take that letter I gave you to Foppish Pierre down to the watermill.
  • Player: That seems pretty straightforward!
  • Nails Newton: Well now we have the seal and the forged letter, it is all plain sailing!
    • So tell me a little about yourself?
      • (Same as above)
    • What do you need me to do again?
      • Nails Newton: Well, what's the matter? I need you to take that letter I gave you to Foppish Pierre down to the watermill.
      • Player: That seems pretty straightforward!
      • Nails Newton: Well now we have the seal and the forged letter, it is all plain sailing!
        • (Shows previous options)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Foppish PierreEdit

  • Player: Urgent message for you, sir.
  • Foppish Pierre: For me? Really? Maybe someone found my spices...
  • Player: It is from Rolo the Stout. I think he said it was something about opening the food stores.
  • Foppish Pierre: Don't joke around with me, you...you...messenger! Give me that note!
  • Foppish Pierre takes the Forged letter from you.
  • Foppish Pierre: What madness is this? He wants me to open the food store? For free? Is he demented?
  • Player: No, but he is your boss. So I guess that means you have to do it.
  • Foppish Pierre: I...I have to contact some people...leave me...leave me to my despair...
  • Player: Well that worked. I should go and tell Nails.

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

  • Player: He bought it! He should be opening the stores any minute now.
  • Nails Newton: Well, looks like we're done. I'll let the refugees know. We'll have a good old fashioned feast. And it's all thanks to you! We'll raise a glass or two to you tonight!
  • Player: No problem, and with Rolo out of the picture things should start to pick up as well.
  • Nails Newton: There is that. Hopefully the food situation will improve, unless someone else muscles in on the racket.
  • Player: Well, if they do, we can always serve up another slice of piping hot justice!
  • Nails Newton: Good point! But for now, let's celebrate!
Congratulations! Quest complete!

Post-quest dialogueEdit

Talking to Nails NewtonEdit

  • If you do not have the Expensive spices:
    • Nails Newton: I have that spice-pouch you took from Pierre. Here, you should have it. It'll come in handy for making ya food more palatable.
    • Player: Thanks, Nails. How're things here?
      • (Continues below)
  • If you have the Expensive spices:
    • Player: Hello Nails, how are things going?
    • Nails Newton: Hello. They are going quite well now the food stores have been opened.
      • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: I'm seeing a lot of well-fed people, instead of one disgustingly well-fed person.
    • If you have not yet collected 5 Meat pies from Nails Newton:
      • If you do not have sufficient inventory space:
        • Nails Newton: I have some pies for you by the way, but you need to clear your inventory before I can give them to ya.
          • (Continues below)
      • If you have sufficient inventory space:
        • Nails Newton: On which note, here, have these pies as a reward.
          • (Continues below)
  • Nails Newton: And they even managed to get the smell out of the upper floor, which is a bonus.
  • Player: Tell me about it. I think it was starting to bleach my hair.
  • Nails: Is there anything else you wanna know?
    • So tell me a little about yourself.
      • Nails Newton: Well what do you wanna know?
      • Player: I just want to know a little more about the man I did this work for, that's all.
      • Nails Newton: Huh, well, I suppose that's fair enough. My name's 'Nails' Newton. I'm a Burthorpe man, born and bred. I've been working various scams and schemes since I was little. These days, I provide accurate copies of official documents to people. In case they can't get the real version for some silly reason. A good steady hand is invaluable, you see.
      • Player: So, basically you're a criminal?
      • Nails Newton: You can say that...but look at it this way. I never beat up anyone that wasn't asking for it, stole anything from someone that couldn't afford it, or scammed anyone that wasn't trying to scam me. I mean, I did some work back in the day, making sure people got some money that was owed them from people who wouldn't give it any other way. That's what gets me about these merchants. They're gouging us for every coin we've got because they can profit off our misery. I may be a little shady, but at least I have standards. That's why it warms my heart to think that we've taken a maggot like Rolo out of the equation for the time being!
        • (Shows previous options)
    • Do you know what happened to Rolo?
      • Nails Newton: They were going to take him to the infirmary, then they realised that it was a bit too serious. I mean, obviously, given his condition they couldn't heal him normally: by feeding him large amounts of food.
      • Player: So, did they cure him with magic?
      • Nails Newton: Again, no. All the damage that Rolo had done to himself guzzling food meant it was too serious for that.
      • Player: You don't mean...he's dead?
      • Nails Newton: No, no, he's still alive. But they had to take him to a specialist clinic. Apparently they have confined him to an iron bowel.
      • Player: A what? Iron bowel? What...how? I don't even... You know what? Time to change the subject I think.
        • (Shows previous options)
    • I'd best get on with it then.
      • (Same as above)

Talking to Foppish PierreEdit

  • Pierre: Ruined! I'm ruined!
  • Player: What's the matter?
  • Pierre: Don't interrupt my woe! Ahem... Ruined! Oh woe is me! First I lose my spices, and then that blubbery whale Rolo goes and gives away all the food I could've used to buy some more! I'm going to starve in the gutter: my clothes taken by footpads and my body heaped into a parper's grave!
  • Player: Oh come on, I'm sure things aren't that bad.
  • Pierre: Hmm, now you mention it. I know, I'll just stop paying my workers so much, and drop the quality of the goods I sell. If I keep firing people and charging through the roof for my wares I'll soon be back to normal!
  • Player: Uh...
  • Pierre: Thank you, uneducated and filthy stranger. You may have saved my life!
  • Player: You're...welcome.

Talking to KeppleEdit

  • Kepple: I saw it. I saw all of it...
  • Player: Saw what?
  • Kepple: You don't know! You'll never know what I saw! The colours...all the colours...and sometimes NONE of the colours... The darkness came to me then...with the stench, it protected my mind. But the darkness is still there. The smell...The smell of it will never, ever fade...
  • Player: Well...isn't this a bit over the top from seeing Rolo get a little ill?
  • Kepple: A little ill? A little ill? The gods themselves wept tears of blood at the things he brought to light. Things that never should have been!
  • Player: I...see. Well, I'll leave you to your mind babbling now. Have fun!
  • Kepple: No! Don't leave me! It will come back for me!
  • Player: Bye! Going away now! Have fun!

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